Parenting

As technology enables us to be more and more connected and aware of the often frightening happenings throughout the world, parents and educators are forced to take a closer look and more careful approach to safety. But could this heightened awareness and potential paranoia be promoting a type of parenting that actually hinders our children’s development and capacity to learn?

Helicopter parenting, defined by Dictionary.com as “a style of child-rearing in which an overprotective mother or father discourages a child’s independence by being too involved in the child’s life,” is largely a result of the aforementioned media-induced paranoia that leads to parents taking extreme measures to ensure their child’s “safety.”

An overemphasis on safety and the smothering effect of helicopter parenting, however, disable children from learning how to survive as independent beings, creating negative ripple effects into teenage years and adulthood.

A recent study presented by the American Psychological Association agrees that while it’s instinctual for parents to do whatever it takes to keep their offspring safe – a basic evolutionary practice – when taken too far, overprotection negatively impacts the development of emotional and behavioral regulation.

Take wild animals for example. It is common practice in the animal kingdom (of which we are a part) for mothers not only to raise their offspring closely and carefully for a set amount of time, but also to literally chase them off and outcast them when the children are ready!

Obviously, circumstances aren’t as “wild” for human children and outcasting is far too extreme and absolutely not recommended. Nonetheless, children need to be given enough independence, autonomy and space learn skills on their own, be creative and, at times, fail miserably.

So, what are some kinds of helicopter parenting and how can parents learn to adopt healthier patterns and relationships with their kids? Here are the basics.

Common behaviors of helicopter parents:

• Anxiety or fear over sending your kids to school, daycare, sleepovers, camps or anywhere out of your sight
• Persistent guilt any time your child fails at a task or gets unhappy
• Going beyond societal and cultural norms to “guarantee” your child’s success
• Doing tasks for your child that they are perfectly capable of completing on their own
• Convincing your child to do and/or achieve certain things to suit your own ego and expectations

Behaviors of healthy parents:

• Responding to your child’s failure with love and understanding, while guiding them to their own solution for the problem at hand
• Giving your kids times to be creative and get messy, without an agenda
• Setting basic rules and guidelines that keep kids safe without limiting their independence
• Giving children a chance to self-regulate before jumping into “protection mode” at the first sign of discomfort, fear or other negative emotion
• Practicing mindfulness habits for yourself and for your children

Are you curious whether or not your current parenting style could be classified as helicopter? Read this article to learn more about the four basic parenting types – of which the “authoritative” style is most likely to overlap with helicopter tendencies – and see which one sounds most familiar to the style present in your home.

Every week I receive calls and emails from parents who have legitimate problems and issues with how their child’s school operates. In response, I frame my feedback in a way that increases that agency and empowers them to exercise. Parents have the power to hold their child’s school accountable, but they have to do a little leg work. In this article will discuss 5 ways to advocate for K-12 students in your community.

Educate yourself. Your child’s school and the district that it is a part of is a public trust; meaning, it is empowered by all the citizens in your community to perform a public service. If you want to exercise your voice and power, the first thing you need to do is educate yourself about the education policies and laws that govern your school district. Often school officials believe that they can operate with impunity because they assume parents and community members don’t understand the nuances of education law and policy.  But in reality, they are public officials compelled to follow these laws and policies. So when you call them out on a practice that is out of compliance with local, state or federal standards and practices, they have no choice but to remedy the situation or face legal action.

Join the local school board. A local school board is charged with interpreting state regulations and setting similar policies for its district while creating strategic plans for the advancement of education in its district. The local school board represents the state in educational matters as well as advocates for the concerns and rights of the local citizenry. Although the local school board is bound to implement state educational policies, it also has the right to challenge policy through accepted channels if it feels the state designated regulations are not in the best interests of students and schools in their district. Joining the school board is a huge responsibility, but you can make a significant difference. In most school districts, some of the school board seats are appointed by the mayor, and the rest are elected positions. Just depends on the part of the country you live in.

Hold school board members accountable. Maybe you are unable to commit the time or energy that it takes to become a school board member. Or maybe, you tried to run for a seat but lost the election. No worries. You can still have a powerful voice on the school board. You have the right to contact school board members and voice your opinion, and attend a school board meeting an give public testimony on matters related to education. In doing so, you exert your influence, which will have a powerful effect on how the school district is operated.

Join the school site council. Most schools have a site-based school council that is made up of parents, teachers, and administrators. They are selected and appointed by the school’s principal and convene regularly to discuss and vote on school-related agenda items. Often, principals pick parents that are active, meaning they attend and volunteer at school events. You have the right to be considered for such a position, and all you must do is ask the school principal.

Join the PTA. PTA (Parent Teacher Association), refers to a locally organized group of parents who work in conjunction with teachers in bringing about changes in a school. All parents are eligible to join. You can get more info from your child’s teacher or the school principal.

Now you have the tools that you need to advocate for K-12 students in your community. Let’s get to work.

As children get older and become less excited to share the school day with us, there are certain questions that get a dialogue going.  Sometimes you just want to hear about the day, but other times there are specific things that you need to know so that you can plan your schedule to attend or participate.

Anytime you ask a yes or no question, you will most likely get incomplete information.  Include the words “who”, “what”, “how” and “why” to frame a question for a more complete answer.  Here are some ways to ask better questions of your child after school.

1. What happened today to make you feel happy?
2. Did you learn something about that interested you? Something you’d like to know more about?
3. Tell me about a moment with a friend that you enjoyed.
4. Is there anything you are looking forward to tomorrow?
5. Was there a time when you felt frustrated today?
6. Was there anything that worried you today?
7. Anything special you want to talk about from your day?
8. Are there any questions you wish I would ask you about your day?

Timing

As adults, we know that timing a question well can yield much better results.  For instance, you don’t want to ask your boss for extra time off when he/she is starving and about to go to lunch.  Likewise, timing the questions to your children are also crucial to success and building the relationship.

The best times tend to be when you are riding in the car, and over a meal.  You only want to ask two to three questions at most.  And, certainly don’t ask your child when he/she is hungry, or sleepy, or in a hurry.  Plan the questions so that there is ample time for answers and some discussion.

How You Listen to your Child Matters

While it is easy to resort to the “Because I said so” or “Because I am in charge”, children are more receptive to conversations when they feel heard.  Instead, try to frame the discussions with these thoughts in mind:

1. Children are more likely to listen and talk if they know that you respect what they say.
2. Children who feel heard tend to open up more to their parents.
3. This type of communication tends to foster more communication from your children.
4. Children understand their feelings and emotions better when you model them. For instance, “I felt very frustrated when we had to chase the dog all over the neighborhood when she escaped.”
5. Feeling heard and valued makes children feel good about themselves.
6. Modeling healthy emotions and social skills is a powerful tool for our children.

Remember that all relationships take work, and this includes prioritizing time to actively listen to your children. When they see that you are encouraging and willing to hear what they have to say, this strengthens the foundation of the relationship.

Once you create the environment of safety for your children to share how they are feeling about school and what happens there, they will most likely be much more willing to open up about the day.

If you are in the field of education, then you know that if you ask a teacher to name the biggest problem that they deal with, lack of parental involvement would be number one on over 75% of the lists. This is not a scientific figure, but as an estimate, it is pretty good. These teachers are being honest in their answer, but few think about parental involvement in its totality.

What do I mean by that? Imagine this, you are a parent with 2 children, a couple of years apart. Based on your reference point, how your parents raised you, parental involvement means sending your child to school with clean clothes, a packed lunch or lunch money, and school supplies and completed homework. And yeah, you show up for a parent-teachers conference 1-2 times a year. The school does the rest.

You assume that your child has been taught the necessary skills by their teacher, so there is no need to help them with their homework or tutor them. If they fall behind in a subject like math; their teacher will take care of that. You have heard of the PTA, but you don’t have to participate, as other parents will fill leadership roles in the organization. Teachers have asked you to volunteer in your child’s class, but you think that this is just ceremonial and not an essential need. After all, schools have all the help they need.

In a sense, as a parent, your heart may be in the right place, but you don’t understand that parental involvement is a partnership between you and your child’s teachers. They may do 75% of the work, but they need you to do the other 25%. This means checking your child’s homework every night, tutoring them if they fall behind in a subject, Joining the PTA, volunteering in the classroom, etc. It also means staying in control of your child’s academic performance, frequently checking their average in all subjects and nudging them when their grades begin to dip.

I know we think that all parents should understand the scope of their parental involvement duties, but many do not. They don’t understand how to be fully engaged in their child’s education. Because of this, schools have to show them how. When their children enter kindergarten, invite them to professional development sessions aimed at teaching parents how to help their child be academically successful, and emotionally well balanced. These sessions can also be open to all parents with children in PreK-12. For parents that don’t attend, just send handouts home.

Sure, you may continue to have issues, with parental engagement, but now you can rest assured that you have done all that you can to bridge the gap.

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